"You cute for a chubby girl." What does that even mean? How are weight and facial features related? And who decided that it was ok to express ignorance so freely? This statement did not stop at my weight but how I talked, the music I listened to, and even my hobbies. I was never a popular girl, but after a while, I aspired to be. Something must be wrong with me, I thought to myself as I sat alone at lunch daily. Did God make me invisible? I knew they had to have heard me if they could not see me, considering how far my voice projects. But even that was too loud, I needed to keep an inside voice, and my opinions were to stay to myself. So, I started journaling to God because it appeared he never grew tired of my words and thoughts. However, I often asked him to be somebody else and asked if I was here on Earth by mistake. I watched a lot of cartoons, so I imagined escaping from the baby factory and landing on my parents' doorstep. But, no matter how badly I prayed to be someone else, God wasn't listening, so I took matters into my own hands. I decided to reinvent myself and be what I thought others wanted me to be. I started listening to different music, changing how I dressed, and dumbing myself down. I no longer wanted to be the smartest in the room, just noticeable. The prettiest girls got the attention; they had friends and did not sit alone. The popular girls were picked first in gym class, and people wanted to talk to them all the time and not just for copying off their paper. This faux personality worsened after high school because I had taken on this persona full-time. I was playing the role for so long that I started to believe that's what I was. I tell people, never say what you are not going to do because, in all honesty, we are capable of doing practically anything. Unless you have been in a situation, you don't know your actual capacity and how far you will go to get what you are after. I was after acceptance, and I was willing to give up my identity for it. After years of this facade, I grew unhappy, and later I could no longer recognize myself. I was no longer in tune with my wants, desires, dreams, none of it. My life had been filled with others' expectations and wishes for my life. My decisions were based on people liking me, and my time was never mine. People's opinions were my roadmap; my brain was on auto-pilot, lacking intentionality. No matter how much I attempted to change in my mind, I was still that chubby girl. Even during that time, I was at my lowest weight; I was still her. I wanted not to be ashamed of her. She was beautiful in her own right. She was quirky, funny, and had a sunny-side outlook on life. She had a vivid imagination and no limits because God was her best friend. I wished she would've asked God to teach her how to be more comfortable in her skin rather than changing her to someone else. I wished she would've known how perfectly imperfect she was and that she was what God intended her to be. She did not give herself grace, and her need to be accepted superseded her learning of her self-worth. One day, I stood there staring at her in the mirror. As we stare at each other in the mirror, she cries. I try comforting her and telling her that people can be cruel sometimes. Then I later realized her tears weren't due to other people; it was because I did not think she was good enough. It was due to my attempts to edit everything about her. It was due to me rejecting her. What a hard epiphany to learn how much I have given up on myself. I had inadvertently become my worse enemy. At that moment, I incessantly cried for days. That was when I started to purge and feel the damage of the criticisms I received. I had to reverse my belief system and cut the roots of those defeating thoughts. I swear they were so loud and vivid that I could remember the voice of the person that spoke them. I later learned what loneliness was. Even in a room full of people, you can still feel lonely. The irony was I was the cure for my loneliness. I was the source of my happiness. God started to show me how wonderfully made I was and reassured me that I was here on purpose with a purpose. My mom later told me I stopped breathing during delivery when she was in labor, and they revived me. That let me know that God had me here for a reason; I was no accident. With this information, my life grew purposeful, and I needed to be more intentional about it. Through therapy, I learned that "fine" was not the only feeling I am allowed to feel. So, I permitted myself to be what I was at that moment. I was finally learning just to be. With this newfound feeling, I started a blog titled "Be Your Own Kind ." I wanted to share all of my experiences in case someone out there felt how I felt. I wanted them not to feel alone and learn how wonderful they were at an early stage in their life. Although I intended to help others, this platform has saved me in many ways. My hardcore journey for walking in my own kind began with this platform. A couple of years after I started the blog, I launched the Be Your Own Kind podcast, which allowed me to talk with some incredible people, including Julie Zarubo Fountaine. I learned and grew as a person from each person I interviewed. I even made some everlasting internet friends I hope to meet in person one day. But I knew that attracting your crowd comes from being who you are. Once you build that sense of self, people that are supposed to be in your life will gravitate toward you. But even without a tribe, I am always enough for myself. So, no matter where this platform takes me or how old I grow, I will always be that cute chubby girl. And I'm ok with that. |
